Smoke On the Window Sill

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

To Closures...

I listened hard to the rain beating outside my window pane last night… trying to make sense of the sudden emptiness that I had engulfed myself in, since a few days. As the rain washed down the window and the roof top, I remembered a similar night long back….a night when it was raining fearlessly too and I had immersed myself completely to the sound of acoustic guitar…all around me. Sprawled on my carpet, listening to the storm outside, I had let it drown all the pain inside of me – and had bid farewell to the memories of R….Remembering that evening today, I realized – that this too was maybe, a grieving process. Tonight, I was to let go of K...

I met him a little more than a year ago, through a friend of friend and in the first 2 months of meeting him, we quarrelled almost four times, seriously to say the least. He had told me upfront that he was interested in me and I had told him that I wasn’t and would never be. He could not understand why I wanted to go out with him, still. I had struggled hard to tell him that I like meeting people, knowing them and making friends. Choosing a life partner was not for me the only reason for getting to know a guy...

I thought we understood each other slowly over time and that he got to accept me and our friendship for what it was and not for what it could ever be. But on hindsight, I think that was not completely true. I could see him letting go of what was there between us -slowly, gradually over time and then suddenly one day..

He had asked once, if he would be for me, just another memory that will fade with time, and I had replied - ‘that would never be.’ But today, here I was - trying to let go of all the memories which belonged to him – of nostalgia, threaded to his being, of drives that we took together, of lonely evenings spent in cafeterias and of the talks which made me feel so comfortable and so light..

I do look back and regret the end, as I had always thought we’d be more open about our feelings towards each other, if ever there was a need to let go. But I think that I had undermined the hurt that I may have caused him over time, his dreams and his desires. So, I have no remorse or bitterness against him today or what he did. I wish him well and hope that he would look back and remember with fondness some of the time that we spent together – and instead of pebbles in the sand of broken dreams, he would chose to pick up the gems - the beautiful memories which strung us together for a short time...

So, here’s to closures and to breaking up of yet another lovely friendship. Long after the tears have dried, the wounds have healed and the green summer is traded for the vibrant autumn, what would stay with me is this faint memory of a beautiful evening spent together – when I took him with me to one of the sunset drives and swore never to take him again, jokingly- not knowing that it would become true, so true - one day...



The dying day..




The other side..




The tower lining...




The sprawled tree..




The closure..

16 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey,
I guess Im lucky I have the pole for this one.Its very scary that I wrote a similar thing during transit in Ireland in my journal.And incidentally it began on similar lines.Just goes on to reaffirm my belief that although we all are different persons, underneath it all the stories are the same.Having read yours I am going to put mine as well.
cheers,
uber

6:48 PM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey me again ,
nice bloghead, r u blonde r brunette ? ;)

6:50 PM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey uber, true - I think we are all islands underneath our masks of 'social' beings!

and lol at ur bloghead comment....about my hair, well what can I say...I have nice, long, black hair ;)

ur words really did cheer me up!
enig

10:32 PM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey enig,

I like meeting people, knowing them and making friends. Choosing a life partner was not for me the only reason for getting to know a guy...

Can totally identify with that one. Don't know why it is so hard for some ppl to understand that.

And found this really beautiful

and instead of pebbles in the sand of broken dreams, he would chose to pick up the gems - the beautiful memories which strung us together for a short time...


the pics were really beautiful and peaceful too.

And my too cents on this ...I really wish beautiful friendships like these did not have to end.

10:44 PM, July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey enig,

it's hard to respond (the word sucks -- it has a confrontational tinge in it) to something so heartfelt, and so personal. you know, one of the things i've learnt, and learnt pretty painfully, is that sharing -- even if a third-person, detached account -- heals faster than anything else. i say this, because i had written a very very similar piece a long long back. to date two people have read it (one of them is, of course, S), and i never had the courage to put it up on a public blog. by the time i had the courage, i had bled more than i should have (and i was the one initiating a clousre!).

so i'm glad you shared this. and i really hope both of you remember that something speical that each relationship that lasted any meaningful length of time has had a share of, and not the mundane, and not the heartbreaks. it's a tall task, but why do i think if anyone you'd be upto it.

that said (and kick me for neatpicking, if you have to) what's this obesssion with gems! pebbles -- they're so varied in shapes and sizes and colors. they're life, really. gems are overrated :)

and that's a beautiful picture on the top of the blog, the light, the hint of distant horizon, the backdrop (and people are all in the background), a touch of loneliness, and a touch of independance.

take care,
asuph

12:33 AM, July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

one of those times when i seek silence to say it all....
take care
warmly
ardra

2:38 AM, July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey El

THat was a powerful narration !

6:22 AM, July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanx for ur words, guys...

bilbo...I too wish that such friendships wud never end (is there an end really, after a beginning?)...but sometimes, for the sake of sanity (and sanity alone), either you want to let go or the other person wants to do the same...I feel it's so difficult at times to comprehend the intricacies of our own mind that to comprehend someone else's, howsoever close is almost impossible...

hey asuph, thanx for the words....don't worry, I'm totally fine. At times, I need to do that - write it out in the open, what I feel so strongly about...it's almost a catharsis process for me, when nothing else seems to work...I can understand what u said about not having the heart to write something out in the open, and having one only when u've bled long enuf....I have a few other similar stories down my sleeves, which I think I can never probably put down in words...I wonder at times, what is it that we worry about? vulnerability, being judged, or is it just that the pain is so deep and so pure that we feel that letting it out would somehow destroy its sanctity...that only suffering within wud do justice to what we shared with those people...howsoever silly that it may sound, that's how I feel sometimes..

enig

11:47 AM, July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder at times, what is it that we worry about?


hmmm,
from personal experience I can say why I cant write about stuff of that sort. Too many emotions, too many questions and not enough answers. It never does come out in a coherent whole. I have tried way too many times and am still waiting.....
Yep, bits and pieces have been written and at times shared. The rest , bids its time.

12:03 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enig with blonde hair:) Got a kick out of that comment.

On a more serious note, another very heartfelt piece from you enig and your photography seems to keep getting better. About the whole episode, I guess your write-up, pics and release that comes after talking about it, has already led to closure.

I am myself worst at closures, and perhaps the one who is interested party, has to bear the burden of his aspirations. Yet, not being anonomyous on blogosphere, means I have to spread my story into a million words that I must have written about everything. Maybe your way is simpler. Maybe it is never so simple for some of us.

8:47 AM, July 20, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm...
I've no clue about what happened btwn the both of you, but it does look like you liked and he did admit he wanted you from the begining. But for all thats happened, you meeting him, fighting arguing, then being good friends and maybe more, you letting him go or he just leaving (whatever the case be), glad you found the closure... or atleast as you want to believe.
But have we learnt our lesson, miss?

Nx time you find a gem in the pebbly shore, can you grab the dude and shake him like a shivering leaf and tell him you love him. that wasy atleast u won't regret it of not having tried. for believe me, these kinda things happen once in life (maybe two if you're a blonde as Uber imagins) and when they don't pleae let em go and watch it pass by and then write abt it...

maybe its not my place to tell u all this, but i feel bad for ya and personally dread this closure crap for there never really is one...

6:04 AM, July 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahhhhhaaa Pradzie...I totally laughed at ur comment! don't think u read any of it right :-) I don't 'love' this guy ....or want him or anything of that sort...he was just a good friend and I had to let him go because he wanted to....

that's the problem with most guys...they think that this whole world is black and white, that relationships or friendships just terminate on marriage or break ups...they refuse to see the grey line in between where people can be good friends and yet not necessarily married (to each other!)...why do we need to name all relationships - label them as friendships,commitments - whatever, and in the process just refuse to let the bond that is there to 'just be'....

don't feel bad for me :) I have a lot of gems in my life (but that doesn't make the pebbles mean any less)...

thanx bilbo, Vivek for sharing ur views....Vivek I would love to take credit for the pics, but this time around, K took many of them :-)

enig

9:13 AM, July 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And i smiled at your commment that you laughed while reading my comment. :)

Maybe like a regular guy if any1 re-read the first para again, 'sprawling on the carpet, dorwning pain ... and so on' one would think this to be deep, or atleast this ornary guy thought so. the first para is so drenched, soaked and istri'd with melodrama that i got the impression of a love r'ship gone bad.

buss, itna hi. moreover if he's a friend why would you not wanna let him go? i fail to understand that, simply do. Also please lets not talk abt grey lines in relationshps, shall we? because i simply don't get it.

in this case, Either you're a friend or you're NOT! Simply nai? grey? where?

12:47 PM, July 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

letz not dwell on that Pradzie....I'm not sure if you'll get it even if I explain...we're just different people with different philosophies on life...maybe I'll blog about it someday...

oh and by the way, the first para had nothing to do with K, it was all about R and she is a gal :)

take care,
enig

2:01 PM, July 21, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope ur feeling better now..watch "Before Sunset"(maybe u have already). Good music and Movies help..!(atleast it works for me).

5:59 PM, August 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanx, rama - I did watch it quite sometime back :)

11:13 PM, August 10, 2006  

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